It is a terrifying thing to create a piece of artwork that really expresses something very personal and close to your heart.
It is even more terrifying to stand in front of the general public with that artwork, hoping that personal expression will be understood and not judged.
It’s almost like the naked dream (you know, the one where you suddenly realise you are naked and everyone else is dressed) except there is no waking up.
Generally we steer clear of judging people right in front of their face. Comments like “what were you thinking with that haircut?” or “you’ve put on weight” are deemed offensive but, when you offer up your artwork to the public, there are few social niceties.
People will say exactly what they think, with little regard for your feelings, which is perhaps how it ought to be.
I hear comments like “this is weird,” “creepy” and “freaks me out” all the time. I have also been asked if I have had my work psychoanalysed, and if I see myself as conceited (presumably because I photograph myself).
I say none of this to make anyone pity me. I love creating my work and the joy I get when it really impacts someone is worth all of the little pinpicks I must face every day.
I have always been an introvert, most comfortable in my own company so I find public events very overwhelming and have developed a kind of suit of armour that I wear when I sell my work.
I put on a persona that shields me from being overpowered by other people’s thoughts on my work, both positive and negative.
I have to keep myself protected from them because they affect my ability to produce new work. I find myself seeking approval or hiding from contentiousness. I end up creating more of the work that is popular and less of the work that courts controversy. I find myself wearing that armour in my images, as well as at public events.
For me, art is a form of communication between one soul and another, expressed in the only way possible.
It says “I see you because I am you.” The last thing I want to do is to start creating work that says “Let me show you what I think you want to see so that you will not judge me.”
So, in the end, I wear my armour in public so that I don’t have to wear it when I create. It’s a compromise, but it’s one I can live with.
And this got me wondering, what other suits are we wearing as we go through our daily lives? What do we do to fit in? What little pieces of ourselves do we hide away in order that we might shield ourselves? And what would it be like if we no longer had to do that? What would it be like if we could see one another for who we really are, without judgment and without criticism?
I think that’s a world I’d like to live in.