I often say that my work appeals mostly to the broken hearted.
They are the ones who interest me the most. They are the ones I want to produce work for.
You see, I believe that we are not truly alive until we are broken hearted. To paraphrase the great Leonard Cohen, even if it’s just a crack…..that’s how the light gets in. Except I think Leonard was wrong and it’s not how the light gets in…..it’s how it gets out.
At the grand old age of 30 years old I had my heart broken.
Kind of late, right?
Well, it turns out that having your heart broken is kind of like falling in love. It’s easy to make yourself believe it has happened when actually you have absolutely no idea. And all of my “broken hearts” up until this point had been merely the everyday dramas of a deeply unhappy life.
My heart wasn’t broken in the instant a lover leaves or in a moment of betrayal. My heart was broken with everyday small fractures and the mounting pressure of trying to live a life that didn’t fit.
I broke my own heart….and like most heartbreakers I hadn’t meant to cause any harm. I’d merely been thoughtless and distracted and neglectful. I’d never taken the time to listen to my heart, to understand what it wanted, or even to consider it at all.
As all those who have been betrayed in love understand, thoughtlessness and neglect when left unchecked inevitably lead to disaster. And, in only a few short years of distraction and busyness I found myself in a very dark place.
Stuck and angry and barely breathing I set in motion a serious of actions that would cause the foundations of my ill fitting life to implode.
And it was glorious.
Of course it didn’t feel that way at the time. At the time it felt like someone had carved out my insides with a blunt instrument.
But, here’s the thing. When we are heartbroken…When we lose…When we don’t get the life we wanted, the thing we wanted, the person we wanted..we get something worth far more. The opportunity to choose mindfully. The opportunity to choose at all. Somehow, when you’ve lost, and then healed, you can walk forward with more vulnerability and vulnerability is the beginning of true courage.
Some people seem easily able to follow their heart’s desires. I’m not one of them. I needed to go into the darkness before I could find my way out. My propensity to cling to the familiar is such that I needed to have no other earthly choice before I let go. Maybe you are the same or maybe you can already feel the pull of your heart’s desire.
When we are in a dark place, all we can do is take baby steps towards the light. And when we can’t see the light, sometimes our cracked open, broken and ruined heart shines a light for us.
Just like a trail of breadcrumbs, my broken heart eventually led me back to my childhood love of stories and that would change everything. It was the start of a journey back towards the life I ought to have been living all along.
So, whether it is a great big shining beacon, or a tiny sliver of light, my wish for you is that even if you lose the things you may want…or perhaps because you lose them…that your great big, broken heart will light your way towards the things you truly need.
Special Thanks to Cindy, whose comment on this post inspired me to write this.