The dream is usually the same. I’ve forgotten to do something. It’s something really important but I can’t remember what it is. I know it’s preparation but I don’t know for what. I know that someone, some time, is going to ask me a very basic question about why I do what I do and I won’t be able to answer because I haven’t done the basic preparation. And then everyone will know. I wake up, heart pounding, and I think it’s real. I pick up the notepad by my bed, determined that I will write down this thing that I must do so that this situation never happens to me. But by the time I switch on the light, the dream has melted into the ether and I write down something along the lines of “Be prepared. For everything.”
I have this dream regularly. Usually it’s once a week or so. If I’m doing something that really scares me, it can be as often as every night. I never remember the thing I had to remember to do. I used to view it as some kind of neurotic sign that I wasn’t handling stress very well. But my point of view has changed of late.
I’ve begun to see that this dream is my own version of the naked dream (except obviously not as much fun). It’s about being exposed. Exposed as a fake. Exposed as someone who doesn’t know what she’s doing. Someone who doesn’t have it all together. Someone who lives in perpetual chaos. And it’s about desperately seeking control over that which cannot be controlled.
The good news is that the need for control doesn’t come from thin air. It comes up when boundaries are broken down. It’s a form of growing pains. It comes up when the exciting things are close to happening, when we are becoming something new. As much as we prepare, there will be times when we have to step out into the unknown. There will be times when we don’t know what to do, what to say, how to react. Because it’s all new. We’ve never been there before.
There’s a part of all our brains that wants to keep us safe from the pain of loss and failure. A well meaning, misguided part that makes us feel the way we would feel if it happened, so that we can turn back now and ensure that it never happens. And that well meaning part of the brain is 100% right. If we keep going down this path we will, at some point, experience loss, heartbreak, failure. We’ll also experience joy, success, love and fulfillment. At times it can feel overwhelming to be constantly reminded of the potential pitfalls and carry on regardless, but actually it’s just as hard to try and keep yourself safe.
Giving yourself the permission to express yourself creatively, without worrying about your talents, or abilities can feel terrifying at times. At times you’ll want to turn back. At times you’ll fret too much about whether what you’re doing is any good. At times you’ll worry that you’re not enjoying it anymore and think that you’ve ruined it for yourself. At times you’ll expose that small creative kernel of yourself to the world and some lost soul will cut you down and tell you that actually you’re not very good. You’ll procrastinate. You’ll eat an entire pizza on the sofa while watching a Jersey Shore marathon. Your creative tools will gather dust, along with your exercise DVDs and that ice cream maker you got for Christmas. And your worries will be different. But, unfortunately, they’ll still be there.
It’s all uncomfortable. It just is. And the great news? As long as you keep growing and keep trying new things, it never goes away. So I’ve learned to treat the dream as a signpost. It shows me I’m going the right way. It shows me that I’m doing stuff I haven’t done before. It shows me that I’m afraid. And that’s a good thing, because it keeps me off the sofa and it keeps me in the dark about the exploits of Snooki and co.
If this post struck a chord with you come over to my Facebook page and share your growing pains stories. Maybe we can be each other’s support group.